Reconciliation

Reconciliation

I’ve entered a stage in my relationship where we are working on reconciliation. Wow, that is a tough word. It’s long, hard to spell, and extremely difficult to do.

Where do you begin? How do you start when you decide you want to reconcile with your significant other? Do you start over? Should you continue from where you are and try to work through all of the past issues? What about getting some help? So many hard questions to answer before you can even start.

Reconciliation STEP 1

For me, I realized the first place I needed to start was me. Yes, me. I knew I had a lot of things about myself I needed to change if there was any hope of this working. It wouldn’t be right to expect my spouse to change if I wasn’t willing to look at myself and see what my faults were.

Reconciliation STEP 2

The second thing you need the most in order for reconciliation to work is…….not love. Yes I meant to say that. Love is a feeling, and it changes. I may love my husband, but that isn’t always going to be enough. The thing you need is commitment. That ‘sticktoitiveness’ that’s required so you don’t give up when the going gets impossible. If you don’t have the commitment to stay the course til the end, then it isn’t going to work. Above all else, YOU have to CHOOSE to be committed, no matter what.

Reconciliation STEP 3

Third, you need to worry about you, not them. Change yourself, not your significant other. If you are both in it together, they will take care of their issues, while you take care of yours. Once you feel you are both at a point that the other agrees the changes are genuine, then you can start working on your relationship as a couple. If you aren’t ready as an individual, you can’t be ready as a couple. Change you, and that will go a long ways in helping fix the relationship.

Reconciliation STEP 4

Fourth, in my own life, I believe that having faith in a higher power, in my case, God, will also be a necessary part of reconciliation. I firmly believe that saving a relationship that has so much past baggage of hurts and failures will not work without help from something you believe in that’s bigger than you. I know that without God we would not stand a chance.

Reconciliation STEP 5

Lastly, counsel counsel counsel! Get help. Obviously doing it alone already didn’t work. Get a third party experienced in this area to help you. Having a trained outside person to help you understand one another and to guide you through the process in unbelievably important. If you can’t afford to pay for it, find a local church, and almost always they will have someone that can counsel you for free. You can’t do it alone. You need that third person that is uninvolved and can see things from an outside perspective, and will be able to help explain to you what you are doing, how you are doing it, how to change it, etc.

Reconciliation is HARD no matter how you look at it. It takes a very long time, a lot of patience, and absolute commitment. If you truly love the person, and want to be with them (and it is mutual), then don’t expect a quick fix. The harder you work and the more you overcome, the better your relationship will be in the end.

That’s my $.02 worth for the day. I wish you all the best in your journey to reconcile. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the end if it is what you both desire. Good luck!

Kilee

Falling Out of Love

Have you ever had to watch your lover fall out of love with you?

It always starts with the little things first. They stop holding the door for you. Don’t remember to tell you good night. Forget to hold your hand when you walk. You say something and they get annoyed with you, like you’re trying to start an issue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop laughing at your jokes and tune you out as you talk. Their hugs goodbye are distant and fleeting. Time together is rare. You try to mention it but they get upset that you want to argue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop talking to you and every exchange is an effort. They don’t sing your special song to you anymore. They don’t write ‘love’ in your card. You try to talk about it but they get angry that you are always nagging. You stay silent.

Now you watch as they move downstairs to get away from you. Every look is one of darkness and distance instead of love and you don’t know why. They don’t speak to you and pretend you don’t exist anymore. You don’t try to talk to them now because you already know what happened…

They fell out of love with you.

marriage problems
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

Holidays and Kids

Valentine's Day
Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash

This week has been a long week for me. I’ve really been in a lot of pain due to constant weather changes. I’m getting migraines from the same. It was just Valentine’s Day which is a holiday I don’t understand. It only promotes hurt as far as I can tell.

Shouldn’t we be showing our family, friends, children and significant others every day how we love them? Valentine’s Day just sets you up to get hurt. You get your hopes up for that special someone to notice you or remember you and when it doesn’t happen….day is ruined, you hurt and feel forgotten or left out. I’ve never cared for this holiday. This year was no different. Set myself up, and………nothing. Not a word, not a peep, not a thing.

Then, later in the week my youngest son, only 17, signed up and got sworn into the United States Marine Corps. He leaves either April or May. When did my baby grow up? To hear your child say the words “I swear to protect my country from all enemies, foreign and domestic…” (rephrased) that’s pretty hard to hear as a mom. My older two also went into the Marine Corps. While I couldn’t be more proud of them, it’s tough being a Marine mom. Very tough.

tired
Photo by ANMOL on Unsplash

This has been a week of being surrounded by stress. Seems like everywhere I turn, there is something new. I need a break. I want to stop hurting so much. I want to have a day where I am happy and not just getting along ok. It’s been a very emotional and lonely and painful week. Forecast for today is not looking any different.

I’m tired of being strong. I want to be weak just for a while and have someone else take care of me for a bit. I wish for that so much, but I know that every day when I wake up I will be fighting my battles without a partner. I will have to be strong even though I can barely function. You show any sign of weakness and the demons come for you, preying on your mind and emotions.

Every day is a mental battle of wills. Be strong, be strong, be strong. Keep the demons at bay. Don’t let them win.

I’m so tired.

 

A Time To Let Go

 

depression
A Time To Let Go

There comes a time in life when you realize that no matter how hard you fight, you just simply can’t win.

I don’t think of this as giving up. I feel that once you have fought the fight, you’ve given it everything you have and your still standing in the same spot you were when you started, it is time to consider walking away.

It isn’t what you want to do. You have worked so hard for so long to make a difference, but that person is just unmovable. They won’t budge. You start to feel like you are battling yourself.

You start to question why you are fighting so hard for someone that doesn’t want you anymore. You question whether this is something you are doing for them, or if it is about you not being willing to lose.

Fighting for someone’s love and attention only works when that person has the potential of loving you back. If they don’t, then what are you really fighting for? No matter how you feel, you can’t make someone love you.  You can’t make them want you again.

You have to learn to walk away and admit defeat. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say it’s ok. I did my best, and I lost. Take those lessons learned and turn away and let them watch you leave with your head high and your back straight.

Be proud of the fight you gave. You didn’t lose because you didn’t try hard enough, you lost because they didn’t bother to try at all. Life keeps going, and we get to choose the way we live it. Stop wasting time fighting for someone that doesn’t want to give you what you need.

There is so much more life out there. Happiness, friendships, and open doors. Go seek them out, feeling confident you gave it your best. Because in the end, you didn’t lose, they did.

depression
Freedom

Being Real

So today isn’t anything written in a story line or as a feeling. Today is just real. It’s been tough lately. I’ve been unable to slow my thoughts down and I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen. I’m messing up in my work, my marriage is falling apart, I can’t keep up with my blogs, I’m not sleeping, and I can’t seem to focus at all. I know this means I am heading towards a breakdown, but life still happens and I have responsibilities I can’t let go of.

I see that dark well coming but I can’t stop it. Days like these I literally wonder if I am losing my mind. I try to stay focused on positive things, but there is so much clutter inside my brain that I can’t keep them in focus. I am tired. So very tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I wonder how much I have left before I run out of sanity?

So those are my thoughts for the day. I will get back to writing more, I promise. I need to. It helps me to write about my life. Things just get so busy and you forget about yourself and you get lost. I am definitely lost.

 

insomnia

Think of a time when you were happy (sorta)

I know this won’t work for everyone but I am a firm believer it’s worth a shot. Yeah bet you weren’t expecting me to hit you with such profound thoughts so early on, huh? Well get ready because I’m full of them.

This sort of strategy and/or coping skill is used in a lot of therapy and apparently in my junior year English class in high school. For example in my class we had “Timed writes” which means exactly how it sounds. We were given a prompt and we had a certain amount of time to write something. My teacher did something, that at the time seemed avant-garde to my 16 year old mind. He told us to close our eyes and think of the color green as green is said to be the color of balance. Now usually in therapy instead of thinking of the color green we are told  to think of a time when we were happy and to go there. (In our minds of course but to use a flux capacitor would be pretty cool, too.)

Today class that’s exactly what we are going to do. Seriously though. I know it sounds cliche (because it is) and a waste of time but maybe a conversation needs to be had?

I find it’s hard for me to do something unless I understand why exactly I am doing it. Doing something without knowledge and/or distinct purpose seems lazy and pointless. In my opinion I think it’s a good habit to get into. I’m not talking check out every time you feel a bad thought and/or feeling coming on. That could lead to avoidance and potential suppression.

If you do have a memory in mind I’m not going to ask you to go there. I have a feeling most of you would scoff at the idea anyway. I’m going to ask you to remember that there was a time you were happy, maybe not consistently but that’s besides the point. The point is a time like that existed. I understand you probably didn’t have bills to pay, children to feed and a mental illness to tend to. I understand I could be offending the intelligence of many right now but please don’t take me for one of those vapid and ignorant people (or do it’s your opinion)

I think it’s beautiful that we can look back on a past self that wasn’t plagued by the problems of today. There’s something quite extraordinary about our ability to place a feeling. I am a sucker for nostalgia and just like everyone else the past can be very upsetting for me. Though, I don’t let comparisons of today and yesterday interfere with the fact that I have fond memories stored away.

I don’t recommend this as anything that will seriously cure your depression. I don’t even think many people will be too keen on the idea. I recommend it as a way of remembering there is evidence of happiness in times passed.

Your friend,
Hume

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