Falling Out of Love

Have you ever had to watch your lover fall out of love with you?

It always starts with the little things first. They stop holding the door for you. Don’t remember to tell you good night. Forget to hold your hand when you walk. You say something and they get annoyed with you, like you’re trying to start an issue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop laughing at your jokes and tune you out as you talk. Their hugs goodbye are distant and fleeting. Time together is rare. You try to mention it but they get upset that you want to argue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop talking to you and every exchange is an effort. They don’t sing your special song to you anymore. They don’t write ‘love’ in your card. You try to talk about it but they get angry that you are always nagging. You stay silent.

Now you watch as they move downstairs to get away from you. Every look is one of darkness and distance instead of love and you don’t know why. They don’t speak to you and pretend you don’t exist anymore. You don’t try to talk to them now because you already know what happened…

They fell out of love with you.

marriage problems
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
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The Penguin and I

depression

Photo by Teodor Bjerrang on Unsplash

The other night I was watching a documentary called Encounters at the End of the World from 2007. It was about filmmaker Werner Herzog and his journey to the South Pole to visit the National Science Foundation’s headquarters. It was honestly a good show. Towards the end, they went to see a penguin colony. While discussing various habits about the penguins, Werner asked if penguins ever randomly left the colony because they have had enough.

Apparently, for reasons unknown to scientists, every so often a penguin will just up and leave. Leave the feeding grounds, leave the water, food, their mate, the colony, and walk away never to come back. Scientists don’t know if the penguins become disoriented, demented, or if it is intentional. Even if you take them back to their colony, they will turn around go right back to where they were heading. They walk for miles and miles, alone, with no food or water, and the sad part is, they leave to die. I admit, I cried.

I felt like I could relate to those little penguins, just wanting to go away from all of the troubles, all of the issues, all of the problems. I don’t know that I would ever reach the point where I would cross that line and say ‘I’m done’, but I know I’ve been awfully close to it at times. There come those times where you look around you and think, ‘This is what my life is going to be. For the rest of my life, this is it.’ It’s nothing that you wanted or hoped for. You’re not happy and all of your hopes and dreams have died. You realize if this is what you have to look forward to day after day after day you’re not going to make it…

Maybe I will go join the penguins after all.

 

 

depression

Can’t You See Me?

Can’t you see me? I’m standing right in front of you, reaching out, waiting for you to take my hand. I look at you as you walk by me. I see a blank face. To you I don’t exist. I am nothing. You shove my hand away without a touch. You don’t feel it, but I do. I felt it all the way to the deepest depths of my heart. Can’t you see me?

Don’t you know I still love you? I need you? Why did you stop loving me back? When? I’m so confused. I don’t understand how we got here, and I don’t know where to go. I’m afraid if I turn away you will forget me forever.

I see you coming back now. Walking by me. I reach out to you again but no, your eyes don’t see me, your ears don’t hear me calling for you. I’m fading away and you don’t even notice. Someday I will be gone and I wonder if you will even remember that I was here. That I was a part of your life once upon a time. That you loved me. Will you remember me?

I love you so much. Why can’t you see me?

by kilee goecke

Unexpected Stress

What To Do With Unexpected Stress

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Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

This past weekend has been a nightmare for stress, which was at an all-time high there for awhile. My son broke up with his girlfriend, then he came down with Influenza A, meaning he is really sick right now. My husband and I didn’t seem to be able to click so there was a lot of issues there. I was starting to get sick.

I decided to move my blog to a different host (I was merging with my other site, ELEMENTAL by KILEE GOECKE). The person that was helping me from the original host site had a major miscommunication and instead of moving and mapping, we moved and he DELETED. I have been working literally for HOURS trying to get both of my sites running and out of construction. I am in an insomnia phase so I am hardly sleeping. My mother’s sister, my Aunt Irma, died. My body and mind is a complete mess!

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When Things Get Tough

When you live with chronic pain and emotional and mental health issues, unexpected stress can throw you way off. It’s tough handling the day-to-day stress. It’s tough handling just one unexpected kicker. Throw in a whole handful and it’s like a tidal wave of emotions and pain that at the moment seems like it is completely uncontrollable!

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Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

The worst part…it’s not like you can stop. Things need done. Sites need fixed. Sick people need care. Everyone needs fed. You have responsibilities that you can’t ignore. These are the times I struggle the most. I don’t have much support for immediate overwhelming situations. I spend almost all of my time alone, so when things come up that are so tough to deal with, I feel like I am lost in this dark hole that can either keep getting deeper and darker, or hopefully I will find the strength to pull myself out without help.

You Can Do It!

That’s tough, and I admit I can’t always do it. That’s when I do call out to my family and friends to help me. It doesn’t have to to be much. A comment from my son that I can do it. A coffee break with my mom just chatting. Texting with my girlfriend about our kids. It takes such little things that I don’t think they realize help me so much.

I can’t stress enough how a support system is just imperative to have. If you don’t know anyone, join blogs or groups online. Join a local book club. Find a stress reliever. For me that’s coloring.  I have no idea why as that is not something I have ever done much of. If I am having a hard time, I grab my books and colored pencils and after an hour or so I am feeling a lot more calm and zen. Anything that takes your mind off of the crazy for a bit is perfect.

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Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

I am still working on the sites, my son and I are still sick, my husband and I are still not clicking, Aunt Irma – yep, still dead, and I am still barely sleeping, but because I know what I needed to do to de-stress, I am already on my way to feeling better. What was it this time? It was blogging all of you about my weekend. 🙂

All the best,

Kilee ❤