Reconciliation

Reconciliation

I’ve entered a stage in my relationship where we are working on reconciliation. Wow, that is a tough word. It’s long, hard to spell, and extremely difficult to do.

Where do you begin? How do you start when you decide you want to reconcile with your significant other? Do you start over? Should you continue from where you are and try to work through all of the past issues? What about getting some help? So many hard questions to answer before you can even start.

Reconciliation STEP 1

For me, I realized the first place I needed to start was me. Yes, me. I knew I had a lot of things about myself I needed to change if there was any hope of this working. It wouldn’t be right to expect my spouse to change if I wasn’t willing to look at myself and see what my faults were.

Reconciliation STEP 2

The second thing you need the most in order for reconciliation to work is…….not love. Yes I meant to say that. Love is a feeling, and it changes. I may love my husband, but that isn’t always going to be enough. The thing you need is commitment. That ‘sticktoitiveness’ that’s required so you don’t give up when the going gets impossible. If you don’t have the commitment to stay the course til the end, then it isn’t going to work. Above all else, YOU have to CHOOSE to be committed, no matter what.

Reconciliation STEP 3

Third, you need to worry about you, not them. Change yourself, not your significant other. If you are both in it together, they will take care of their issues, while you take care of yours. Once you feel you are both at a point that the other agrees the changes are genuine, then you can start working on your relationship as a couple. If you aren’t ready as an individual, you can’t be ready as a couple. Change you, and that will go a long ways in helping fix the relationship.

Reconciliation STEP 4

Fourth, in my own life, I believe that having faith in a higher power, in my case, God, will also be a necessary part of reconciliation. I firmly believe that saving a relationship that has so much past baggage of hurts and failures will not work without help from something you believe in that’s bigger than you. I know that without God we would not stand a chance.

Reconciliation STEP 5

Lastly, counsel counsel counsel! Get help. Obviously doing it alone already didn’t work. Get a third party experienced in this area to help you. Having a trained outside person to help you understand one another and to guide you through the process in unbelievably important. If you can’t afford to pay for it, find a local church, and almost always they will have someone that can counsel you for free. You can’t do it alone. You need that third person that is uninvolved and can see things from an outside perspective, and will be able to help explain to you what you are doing, how you are doing it, how to change it, etc.

Reconciliation is HARD no matter how you look at it. It takes a very long time, a lot of patience, and absolute commitment. If you truly love the person, and want to be with them (and it is mutual), then don’t expect a quick fix. The harder you work and the more you overcome, the better your relationship will be in the end.

That’s my $.02 worth for the day. I wish you all the best in your journey to reconcile. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the end if it is what you both desire. Good luck!

Kilee

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Falling Out of Love

Have you ever had to watch your lover fall out of love with you?

It always starts with the little things first. They stop holding the door for you. Don’t remember to tell you good night. Forget to hold your hand when you walk. You say something and they get annoyed with you, like you’re trying to start an issue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop laughing at your jokes and tune you out as you talk. Their hugs goodbye are distant and fleeting. Time together is rare. You try to mention it but they get upset that you want to argue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop talking to you and every exchange is an effort. They don’t sing your special song to you anymore. They don’t write ‘love’ in your card. You try to talk about it but they get angry that you are always nagging. You stay silent.

Now you watch as they move downstairs to get away from you. Every look is one of darkness and distance instead of love and you don’t know why. They don’t speak to you and pretend you don’t exist anymore. You don’t try to talk to them now because you already know what happened…

They fell out of love with you.

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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

The Penguin and I

depression

Photo by Teodor Bjerrang on Unsplash

The other night I was watching a documentary called Encounters at the End of the World from 2007. It was about filmmaker Werner Herzog and his journey to the South Pole to visit the National Science Foundation’s headquarters. It was honestly a good show. Towards the end, they went to see a penguin colony. While discussing various habits about the penguins, Werner asked if penguins ever randomly left the colony because they have had enough.

Apparently, for reasons unknown to scientists, every so often a penguin will just up and leave. Leave the feeding grounds, leave the water, food, their mate, the colony, and walk away never to come back. Scientists don’t know if the penguins become disoriented, demented, or if it is intentional. Even if you take them back to their colony, they will turn around go right back to where they were heading. They walk for miles and miles, alone, with no food or water, and the sad part is, they leave to die. I admit, I cried.

I felt like I could relate to those little penguins, just wanting to go away from all of the troubles, all of the issues, all of the problems. I don’t know that I would ever reach the point where I would cross that line and say ‘I’m done’, but I know I’ve been awfully close to it at times. There come those times where you look around you and think, ‘This is what my life is going to be. For the rest of my life, this is it.’ It’s nothing that you wanted or hoped for. You’re not happy and all of your hopes and dreams have died. You realize if this is what you have to look forward to day after day after day you’re not going to make it…

Maybe I will go join the penguins after all.

 

 

depression

Can’t You See Me?

Can’t you see me? I’m standing right in front of you, reaching out, waiting for you to take my hand. I look at you as you walk by me. I see a blank face. To you I don’t exist. I am nothing. You shove my hand away without a touch. You don’t feel it, but I do. I felt it all the way to the deepest depths of my heart. Can’t you see me?

Don’t you know I still love you? I need you? Why did you stop loving me back? When? I’m so confused. I don’t understand how we got here, and I don’t know where to go. I’m afraid if I turn away you will forget me forever.

I see you coming back now. Walking by me. I reach out to you again but no, your eyes don’t see me, your ears don’t hear me calling for you. I’m fading away and you don’t even notice. Someday I will be gone and I wonder if you will even remember that I was here. That I was a part of your life once upon a time. That you loved me. Will you remember me?

I love you so much. Why can’t you see me?

by kilee goecke

Mental Battle of Wills

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Attributes of strength with pain:

Strength isn’t always about how strong you are physically. Strength can be found in any area of life: physical, emotional, and mental. Sometimes mental strength is all you have left to pull you through.

The brain is an amazing machine. People can survive the most incredible battles in life due entirely to the mental strength they have not to give up. Unfortunately, I often find myself battling with my mind because I’m tired, I hurt, and I just want to give up for the day. I want to go and hide in my corner but my mind refuses to let me. Have you ever had a fight with yourself mentally? You never win or lose, it’s always both. A constant battle of wills.

Stress is a huge trigger for me, both for migraines and pain. There are days the pain and aches get so bad I feel like I can’t stand it any longer, but really, what does that even mean? It’s not like my body is going to say, “Ok boys, she’s done! Pack it all away until tomorrow!” Haha I wish! I can’t stand it any longer, but I have to. I can medicate, and believe me I do. I’m one of those with a very high pain tolerance threshold, but I still need a break. Bring on the happy pills! Even with medication, you feel better for the time being but you’re also in a fog, tired, blah. You can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it. You may not hurt, but you miss out on everything else.

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Can’t You Understand?

Unless you go through it, there is no way to describe how much mental stress pain puts on you. People around you think you are being rude, because you are so focused on working through the pain you can’t talk, or you seem grouchy or moody. You try to explain but they never understand, so you just stop bothering. Let them think you are mean. You hurt too much to care….but really, you do care. More pain. More hurt. I spent a lot of years sitting alone at my kids’ events. People thought I was rude when in fact I was just trying to ignore the pain I was in so my children would know I was there for them. What they do not know is that I chose NOT to take the medications because I wanted some coherence in spite of the pain.

Mental stress from pain, to me, is just as bad if not worse than the pain itself. The pain goes away, but the mental issues do not. When you finally have a day you don’t hurt that bad you worry about when it will come back and how bad it will be. When you do hurt you put all of your focus into making it through. Endless loop day after day. It’s so frustrating! Especially when you don’t have the support of a spouse or a significant other. You’re still expected to keep up the house, have a job, run errands, keep him happy, not be moody or argue, keep up with dishes, etc, etc. All you want to do is crawl in the corner and hide for the next few days and pray someone takes care of you before you disappear into the darkness.

Maintaining A Positive Outlook:

Fortunately I am older now, which means my kids are older, so only my youngest son is at home, and he is 17. He has never seen me any other way so to him my pain is normal. He doesn’t understand I used to be different. The pain changed me. The woman I am now is not the woman I started out to be, so to my son, I am just mom. Bad days happen and I often need help. He knows that is the way things are.

Having a good support group cannot be stressed enough. I am blessed to have my children, my mom and dad, my sister, and some friends I can call on when I’m have a particularly bad day. Even my doctor. We’ve known each other for over 20 years, so I can trust that he will do his best to care for me. Hopefully you all have good support as well. Join support groups online. Write blogs. 🙂 Do what you can to find a light at the end of the tunnel, one second at a time.