Reconciliation

Reconciliation

I’ve entered a stage in my relationship where we are working on reconciliation. Wow, that is a tough word. It’s long, hard to spell, and extremely difficult to do.

Where do you begin? How do you start when you decide you want to reconcile with your significant other? Do you start over? Should you continue from where you are and try to work through all of the past issues? What about getting some help? So many hard questions to answer before you can even start.

Reconciliation STEP 1

For me, I realized the first place I needed to start was me. Yes, me. I knew I had a lot of things about myself I needed to change if there was any hope of this working. It wouldn’t be right to expect my spouse to change if I wasn’t willing to look at myself and see what my faults were.

Reconciliation STEP 2

The second thing you need the most in order for reconciliation to work is…….not love. Yes I meant to say that. Love is a feeling, and it changes. I may love my husband, but that isn’t always going to be enough. The thing you need is commitment. That ‘sticktoitiveness’ that’s required so you don’t give up when the going gets impossible. If you don’t have the commitment to stay the course til the end, then it isn’t going to work. Above all else, YOU have to CHOOSE to be committed, no matter what.

Reconciliation STEP 3

Third, you need to worry about you, not them. Change yourself, not your significant other. If you are both in it together, they will take care of their issues, while you take care of yours. Once you feel you are both at a point that the other agrees the changes are genuine, then you can start working on your relationship as a couple. If you aren’t ready as an individual, you can’t be ready as a couple. Change you, and that will go a long ways in helping fix the relationship.

Reconciliation STEP 4

Fourth, in my own life, I believe that having faith in a higher power, in my case, God, will also be a necessary part of reconciliation. I firmly believe that saving a relationship that has so much past baggage of hurts and failures will not work without help from something you believe in that’s bigger than you. I know that without God we would not stand a chance.

Reconciliation STEP 5

Lastly, counsel counsel counsel! Get help. Obviously doing it alone already didn’t work. Get a third party experienced in this area to help you. Having a trained outside person to help you understand one another and to guide you through the process in unbelievably important. If you can’t afford to pay for it, find a local church, and almost always they will have someone that can counsel you for free. You can’t do it alone. You need that third person that is uninvolved and can see things from an outside perspective, and will be able to help explain to you what you are doing, how you are doing it, how to change it, etc.

Reconciliation is HARD no matter how you look at it. It takes a very long time, a lot of patience, and absolute commitment. If you truly love the person, and want to be with them (and it is mutual), then don’t expect a quick fix. The harder you work and the more you overcome, the better your relationship will be in the end.

That’s my $.02 worth for the day. I wish you all the best in your journey to reconcile. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the end if it is what you both desire. Good luck!

Kilee

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Falling Out of Love

Have you ever had to watch your lover fall out of love with you?

It always starts with the little things first. They stop holding the door for you. Don’t remember to tell you good night. Forget to hold your hand when you walk. You say something and they get annoyed with you, like you’re trying to start an issue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop laughing at your jokes and tune you out as you talk. Their hugs goodbye are distant and fleeting. Time together is rare. You try to mention it but they get upset that you want to argue. You stay silent.

You watch as they stop talking to you and every exchange is an effort. They don’t sing your special song to you anymore. They don’t write ‘love’ in your card. You try to talk about it but they get angry that you are always nagging. You stay silent.

Now you watch as they move downstairs to get away from you. Every look is one of darkness and distance instead of love and you don’t know why. They don’t speak to you and pretend you don’t exist anymore. You don’t try to talk to them now because you already know what happened…

They fell out of love with you.

marriage problems
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
depression

Can’t You See Me?

Can’t you see me? I’m standing right in front of you, reaching out, waiting for you to take my hand. I look at you as you walk by me. I see a blank face. To you I don’t exist. I am nothing. You shove my hand away without a touch. You don’t feel it, but I do. I felt it all the way to the deepest depths of my heart. Can’t you see me?

Don’t you know I still love you? I need you? Why did you stop loving me back? When? I’m so confused. I don’t understand how we got here, and I don’t know where to go. I’m afraid if I turn away you will forget me forever.

I see you coming back now. Walking by me. I reach out to you again but no, your eyes don’t see me, your ears don’t hear me calling for you. I’m fading away and you don’t even notice. Someday I will be gone and I wonder if you will even remember that I was here. That I was a part of your life once upon a time. That you loved me. Will you remember me?

I love you so much. Why can’t you see me?

by kilee goecke

Mental Battle of Wills

nashad-abdu-1004

Attributes of strength with pain:

Strength isn’t always about how strong you are physically. Strength can be found in any area of life: physical, emotional, and mental. Sometimes mental strength is all you have left to pull you through.

The brain is an amazing machine. People can survive the most incredible battles in life due entirely to the mental strength they have not to give up. Unfortunately, I often find myself battling with my mind because I’m tired, I hurt, and I just want to give up for the day. I want to go and hide in my corner but my mind refuses to let me. Have you ever had a fight with yourself mentally? You never win or lose, it’s always both. A constant battle of wills.

Stress is a huge trigger for me, both for migraines and pain. There are days the pain and aches get so bad I feel like I can’t stand it any longer, but really, what does that even mean? It’s not like my body is going to say, “Ok boys, she’s done! Pack it all away until tomorrow!” Haha I wish! I can’t stand it any longer, but I have to. I can medicate, and believe me I do. I’m one of those with a very high pain tolerance threshold, but I still need a break. Bring on the happy pills! Even with medication, you feel better for the time being but you’re also in a fog, tired, blah. You can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it. You may not hurt, but you miss out on everything else.

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Can’t You Understand?

Unless you go through it, there is no way to describe how much mental stress pain puts on you. People around you think you are being rude, because you are so focused on working through the pain you can’t talk, or you seem grouchy or moody. You try to explain but they never understand, so you just stop bothering. Let them think you are mean. You hurt too much to care….but really, you do care. More pain. More hurt. I spent a lot of years sitting alone at my kids’ events. People thought I was rude when in fact I was just trying to ignore the pain I was in so my children would know I was there for them. What they do not know is that I chose NOT to take the medications because I wanted some coherence in spite of the pain.

Mental stress from pain, to me, is just as bad if not worse than the pain itself. The pain goes away, but the mental issues do not. When you finally have a day you don’t hurt that bad you worry about when it will come back and how bad it will be. When you do hurt you put all of your focus into making it through. Endless loop day after day. It’s so frustrating! Especially when you don’t have the support of a spouse or a significant other. You’re still expected to keep up the house, have a job, run errands, keep him happy, not be moody or argue, keep up with dishes, etc, etc. All you want to do is crawl in the corner and hide for the next few days and pray someone takes care of you before you disappear into the darkness.

Maintaining A Positive Outlook:

Fortunately I am older now, which means my kids are older, so only my youngest son is at home, and he is 17. He has never seen me any other way so to him my pain is normal. He doesn’t understand I used to be different. The pain changed me. The woman I am now is not the woman I started out to be, so to my son, I am just mom. Bad days happen and I often need help. He knows that is the way things are.

Having a good support group cannot be stressed enough. I am blessed to have my children, my mom and dad, my sister, and some friends I can call on when I’m have a particularly bad day. Even my doctor. We’ve known each other for over 20 years, so I can trust that he will do his best to care for me. Hopefully you all have good support as well. Join support groups online. Write blogs. 🙂 Do what you can to find a light at the end of the tunnel, one second at a time.

What This Blog Is About

The Nuts and Bolts – Chronic Pain:

Blogging is new to me, therefore it may take me some time to get into the rhythm of things. I thought that for my first post ever, I should explain what I will be talking about, chronic pain, and some other ideas I will be implementing down the road. Living With Pain encompasses a lot of territory, despite being a specific subject. We will also be discussing medications, both over the counter (OTC) and prescription for the different issues.

Fist of all, I have Insomnia. What is insomnia? What are some causes of insomnia? How do you decided if you have insomnia and what should you do about it? Are you born as an insomniac or can it be caused by an event?

Another subject is anxiety. Do you have an anxiety disorder? What are some anxiety symptoms? Do you have a generalized anxiety disorder or is it more specific, like social anxiety disorder or separation anxiety? What happens when you have an anxiety attack and how should you handle it?

Click Here For Information On How To Help With Anxiety and Panic Attacks!

I get Chronic migraines quite a lot, and there are multitudes of reasons why one can get them. There are also many different types of migraines. We can break each of them down and talk about the specific ones you may experience. My migraines are more from stress and the weather.

Another fun subject is constipation! Nobody likes it when they can’t poop. There are many reasons why one is constipated, and we will talk about those. A couple of constipation causes are medication and certain medical issues, like fibromyalgia.

More on chronic pain:

Agoraphobia is not a very fun subject, but it is a very real mental health issue. What is agoraphobia? Are there treatments for it? What causes agoraphobia and does it go away?

Chronic Pain and neck pain is a real mood killer. Neck pain can be caused by so many factors I will not spend much time on discussing it. I will mostly just be referring to my own and how I deal with it. Chronic pan in general is also a difficult subject, and once again, I will be talking more about personal experience than discussing specific causes and treatments.

Fibromyalgia is an often misunderstood and misdiagnosed issue to live with. Fibromyalgia symptoms vary, and trying to describe what fibromyalgia is difficult. There are such fluctuations and differences per person that narrowing it down to specifics is almost impossible.

We will also be discussing relationships. I feel they fit under the class of living with pain. Bad marriages are painful. Poor relationships with your children are painful.

Another subject will be animals – dogs specifically. Therapy dogs, service dogs, emotional support dogs. These are animals that can help a person with emotional and mental health issues immensely.

Natural Dog Care

These are just a few of the things among many that I will be diving into for your information and hopefully, help.

Site expectations:

I look forward to having discussions about everything, please always feel free to leave comments, questions or ideas. NO NEGATIVITY allowed. I will remove it and block the user that posted it. No exceptions.

Please take time to look around my site, see what all interests you. My About Me page and the Shopping area has some fun stuff to look at. Of course, the ever exciting legalese pages…..boring……but necessary. I hope you choose to join my mailing list so you will receive updates on the upcoming blog subject and new products that are offered. I will be having votes by you, my followers, to decide subjects you might want to hear about. I’ll give out coupons off and on for products offered. Who knows what all will happen?!

Until next time,

Kilee